Thursday, June 21, 2012

Is this really my life?

over the past few years, I have had some moments that feel almost like out of body experiences, in which I stop and look at my life, and wonder: Is this really my life?

the oddest part of it is that the word emphasis seems to shift from instance to instance...

And it is the words we choose to emphasize that make all the difference, isn't it?

Several months ago I started this blog with a reference to the moment I swung myself up into Bill's SUV, loaded with donations for Cradles to Crayons, a local organization that offers families access to toys, clothes, etc. (, and looked into the rearview mirror at the grown up lady in sunglasses, and thought, "Is this really MY life?"

I was stunned to realize that things had come full circle, and that a little girl who once made do with so little was now able to give so much, and to little boys and girls just like her.

Wonderfully, amazingly, and gratefully aware of what a blessing it is to be a Giver.

Yes, this is MY life...

More recently, I have had some, "Is this REALLY my life" moments. I cannot say I enjoy them, these thankfully brief moments in which I question basically every decision  that brought me to whatever situation has inspired this bout of introspection. The moments in which I feel overwhelmed, isolated, exhausted, and alone, and wonder if there is any possible way that i will wake in the morning and find the strength to get out of bed.

Those times when I think that maybe it has all been in vain, maybe I will never feel valued or worthwhile, or inspired by my job, or eager to go to work. Those in which I wonder about family, friends, and foes and try to figure out how each ended up in that catagory. and whether they will stay in that catagory for the long term.

Yes, for better or for worse, this is REALLY my life....

and other times, I hear "Is this really my LIFE?", and in those moments, I get scared. Frightened I am not seeing, hearing, doing, appreciating, learning, teaching, doing, enjoying nearly enough. I begin to feel and sense of urgency, to experience fully each moment and to take every opportunity. It is in those times I start doing Life Math: 20 years since High School, 12 years since africa, 11 years as a foster parent, 4 years as a wife, 3 years as a mom.... 30ish more years working, 6 more years on my adjustable rate mortage, 2 more years til Max is a school age child.

LIFE, in capital letters, waits for no one... it goes by whether you enjoy it or not.

You can contemplate your future or contemplate your navel, either way the seconds, minutes, days.... they all pass, one after another....

So, perhaps instead of wondering which word of the question I should emphasize, perhaps Id be better off turning it into a statement, and emphasizing each important word:


I like the look of that...

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